p.s. I hate you Coree Spencer.

Last night, I was messaging with this guy from out of town on okcupid who wanted to meet up. But I was doing bay to breakers in the morning so I wasn’t up for a late night hang out and as it turned out, he was also doing bay to breakers. He told me he’d be in tiny white running shorts and a blue tank top.

Bay to breakers is a run from the embarcadero all the way to the beach, spanning the entire length of sf, going right thru the golden gate park. This is the 101st run, as the event started in 1912. It all starts first thing in the morning with all the athletic types who signed up to actually run. This is while they are surrounded by people in neon tutus, elaborate costumes, naked folks and people that have been drinking since 6am.

I showed up at the Sylvan house and joined up with David, Luke, Keith and Sam. We got some PBR tall boys, some fruit and a small bottle of Jack Daniels. After getting “busted” by a horse cop (“POUR THOSE BEERS OUT!” he screamed as we had to all pour out freshly opened brews.) I start getting texts from this guy.

Him WHERE ARE YOU?
Me CONSERVATORY OF FLOWERS
Him I’M AT THE END, YOU’RE TOO FAR
Me SO THEN DON’T COME
Him I CAN COME SEE YOU

Sam says “He should bring us cheeseburgers.”
Me AND BRING MY FRIENDS 10 CHEESEBURGERS
Him THAT SOUNDS AWESOME. I’LL DO MY BEST
Me DON’T FUCKING FORGET THE CHEESEBURGERS
Him HAHA IT APPEARS THAT I HAVE LOST MY WALLET

I had to go to the bathroom, so I left my phone with the boys and said if he replied, that they could say anything they wanted.

Sam (as me) HOW ARE YOU GONNA BUY MY CAB RIDE HOME? AND THE FUCKING CHEESEBURGERS FOR MY BOIZE? (CHEESEBURGERS WRITTEN ALL IN CAPS)
Him I JUST WALKED ON TO A BUS TO DOWNTOWN
Him ARE YOU ACROSS FROM A WHITE BUILDING?
Me YES
Him ARE YOU WITH A BLACK DUDE?
Me YES

At this point, David and Sam are standing out in front of me and I’m sitting alone on the hill on the blanket. One of those icky naked guys walks by me, his balls bouncing as he’s carrying his cell phone. He turns his head and looks at me and says “are you texting me?”

“NO. NO. OMFG. NO. ANYONE BUT A FUCKING NAKED GUY!” I scream as I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. “PLEASE GO AWAY. NO. ANYONE BUT A FUCKING NAKED GUY. WHY ARE YOU FUCKING NAKED, DUDE?”

He says “I’m not from here… everyone else is doing it…”

“NO! NOT EVERYONE IS DOING IT! NO!” I’m blocking my face as if his naked body is the sun. he walked away, but not before David and Sam laughed at him.

Dear Today, I love you.